it's the LITTLE things

The other night I was sitting with a friend for dinner. The Christmas tree lighting at my school was happening at the same time and he wanted me to go with him. I'd just gotten done telling him that I hate Christmas and he wanted me even more to go and feel the spirit of the season. I repeatedly told him 'no.' I didn't want to go. Finally in a last ditch effort, he said he wouldn't go unless I went. Putting me as the person responsible for him attending. I'm not into guilt trips and rarely allow people to place them on me so I immediately blurted out, "I don't care about you enough to go! I won't be guilt tripped."

I could tell immediate he was shocked and soon afterward he left somewhat awkwardly. I didn't know what else to say. I hate holidays and didn't want to go. It was a stupid program that a lot of people complained about later.

But I did feel bad. I could tell I'd hurt him. I didn't really regret what I said but I did regret hurting him. And don't worry . . . I did apologize.

However, this isn't just one isolated scene. This has been me a lot lately. I've noticed that I've turned into the Grinch. I don't know why but it's happening and I can't seem to find myself through all the negativity. It's affecting my work (the students I TA have picked up on the fact that I hate my job) and even my boss noticed. When I told her I didn't want the job next semester, she said she was actually going to recommend I don't take it.

I'm not really angry . . . just pissed off all the time. And I can't quite put my finger on why.

I just get this urge to tell people exactly what I think. I think that inside I'm just so tired of being nice and getting walked all over. So instead of allowing people to do that to me I shove them all away.

I hate getting used and I feel like I have been a lot in the past. I'm a lot stronger emotionally than I was in the past and don't let people intimidate me anymore . . . but instead I've become the intimidator . . . which isn't really all that emotionally healthy in the end.

So . . . I continue on this journey of learning myself and what works and doesn't work for me.

I promise to be nice to you all and if I start being a bitch . . . just tell me and I'll apologize and be nice. Promise! Although just don't invite me to a Christmas party . . . that's just not my thing. :)