On Being Mean

The other night I was sitting with a friend for dinner. The Christmas tree lighting at my school was happening at the same time and he wanted me to go with him. I'd just gotten done telling him that I hate Christmas and he wanted me even more to go and feel the spirit of the season. I repeatedly told him 'no.' I didn't want to go. Finally in a last ditch effort, he said he wouldn't go unless I went. Putting me as the person responsible for him attending. I'm not into guilt trips and rarely allow people to place them on me so I immediately blurted out, "I don't care about you enough to go! I won't be guilt tripped."

I could tell immediate he was shocked and soon afterward he left somewhat awkwardly. I didn't know what else to say. I hate holidays and didn't want to go. It was a stupid program that a lot of people complained about later.

But I did feel bad. I could tell I'd hurt him. I didn't really regret what I said but I did regret hurting him. And don't worry . . . I did apologize.

However, this isn't just one isolated scene. This has been me a lot lately. I've noticed that I've turned into the Grinch. I don't know why but it's happening and I can't seem to find myself through all the negativity. It's affecting my work (the students I TA have picked up on the fact that I hate my job) and even my boss noticed. When I told her I didn't want the job next semester, she said she was actually going to recommend I don't take it.

I'm not really angry . . . just pissed off all the time. And I can't quite put my finger on why.

I just get this urge to tell people exactly what I think. I think that inside I'm just so tired of being nice and getting walked all over. So instead of allowing people to do that to me I shove them all away.

I hate getting used and I feel like I have been a lot in the past. I'm a lot stronger emotionally than I was in the past and don't let people intimidate me anymore . . . but instead I've become the intimidator . . . which isn't really all that emotionally healthy in the end.

So . . . I continue on this journey of learning myself and what works and doesn't work for me.

I promise to be nice to you all and if I start being a bitch . . . just tell me and I'll apologize and be nice. Promise! Although just don't invite me to a Christmas party . . . that's just not my thing. :)

My new project for this week...

...is a set of logos for made up companies based on Psalm 23. Here's the first one. 

Art

Cold

I'm not friends with the cold. 

Here are the rest!

I didn't stop making the logos, I just stopped posting them on my blog. Here are the rest:

Logo A Day #2

There's nothing symbolic to this one. Just coffee. 

Logo a day

I heard about a lady designing a logo everyday for a month...thought I'd try it for a week. Here's my first. A tire and lube shop named in honor of the 1955 Chevy Bel Air. 

New beginnings

I'm photographing my first engagement shoot today. #excited!! 

Update

I've not forgotten about this blog . . . even though it might seem as if I have.

New update in my life . . . I've been to Salt Lake City and back for the Society of Adventist Communicators.

And I've also started an Instagram, Facebook page, and Tumblr blog dedicated to the photos of men with beards that I take.

Anyway . . . this is simply an update and I'm not feeling much like talking or writing at the moment. Just thought that I'd let those who read this blog have something to read.

Peace.

No more violence against women

I finally finished researching violence against women! YEAH!! My guy friends, who stuck with me through the month-long project, were all just as excited as I was when I made my announcement.

"Does this mean that you're not a man hater anymore," one of them asked.

I'm not a man hater but as I wrote before, this new knowledge has changed me. Knowledge usually does change a person.

I still talk about the project a lot and if you follow me on Twitter you'd notice that I tweet many of the statistics I've found. But other than that, I'm happy to not be daily reading about such topics as bride burnings, female genital mutilation, sexual abuse, and other forms of violence against women.

I do feel strongly about the fact that women need to educate themselves about these issues. We need to be sisters for each other and not threats. Statistics show that in sexual harassment cases at work, female coworkers sometimes fuel the gossip fires. To me that is just as unacceptable as sexual harassment by a male coworker.

But anyway . . . in other news . . . I've been sick for the past two weeks. As soon as I finished the project I caught a cough that I can't seem to shake. I've had to cancel two trips because of being sick and am coming up on a third trip that I absolutely CANNOT cancel. So, I better shake this soon. Prayers are MUCH appreciated!

Love to you and yours! :)

Suzanne Ocsai

Remembering that not all relationships end in abuse

After reading for hours and hours through piles and piles of statistics about violence against women around the world and in the United States, my brain and heart needed some cathartic relief. I needed something to remind me that not male-female relationships end in bride burning! And that not all marriages are unions of patriarchal men and brainwashed, uneducated, or helpless women.

However, I took a risk in choosing the book that I did: Traveling While Married: How to take a trip with your spouse and come back together. I was a bit worried that I might be delving deeper into man-hating through reading this book, but I was willing to take the risk since the cover design and cartoon like illustrations seemed to promise it was a comedic approach to the subject.

It proved to be a worthwhile risk. The author, Mary-Lou Weisman, tells her tales of traveling with her husband in an honest and light-hearted way that allows you to see both the flaws of her husband and herself but also the fact that there are humans out there in relationship with each other that do sincerely care about each other and after 30+ years of marriage can still have a good time together (wow . . . what a run-on sentence that was!). Good news for me, who after reading page after heart-throbbing page of statistics and stories of women being victimized at the hands of men and intimate partners, has contemplated swearing off relationships and marriage for the remainder of my life. Just kidding . . . but kinda not . . . life is real and so is abuse.

I have definitely changed my views of how one goes about love and relationships after all this research, but after reading this book I haven’t ditched the thought all together. Perhaps there are worthwhile adventures better experienced with two instead of one—perhaps there are worthwhile people to go on adventures with. 

Failing...

I think I'm failing Spanish...this is not good...I also got sick. 

Going under the knife

Today I went in for my first ever surgery! I wasn't too nervous...the scariest part for me had been whether I could afford it or not since I don't have insurance. But it was a lot cheaper than I thought and within my budget. Thank the Lord! No really...

I'd actually put off going to the doctor for over a year to check on the growth that was developing on my lower gum. I was avoiding it, hoping it would go away. Finally I couldn't anymore. It was getting larger and starting to scare me. 

So I made an apointment with the oral surgion my orthodontist recommended (a year ago when I last saw him...I stooped going to my orthodontist also so I couldn't be bugged about the growth! I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't taking care of it. I didn't even want to know about it myself!) 

Anyway I did the hard thing and called and then went in. Thinking I'd have to sell at least one kidney to get this thing off! Fortunately it was far below what I thought it would cost and just two days after going in for my apointment, I got the growth removed this morning. Praise The Lord! 

Here are some pics: 

The growth. Eww! 

Peace out! It's out.

Still really sleepy! 

Me and my still half numb/temporarily paralysed mouth! Lol 

Glad to be getting back on track with my health...and doing the hard stuff first. 

Mi Bien Día en Chicago (Composición #1)

This is my first Spanish Composition of the semester. Google Translate does a rough translation which makes some of the sentences sound funny. But if you can't read Spanish . . . I guess you could use it if you really want to know what I wrote about in my first paper. 

     Este año yo fui a Chicago con mis amigos Janelle y James. El día era perfecto porque yo estaba con gentes que yo quiero. Nos despertamos temprano en la mañana así nos podíamos tomar el tren. James y yo nunca tuvimos habíamos tomado la tren. Estábamos emocíonados! Primero nosotros comimos en Chipotle. Chipotle es el lugar favorito para comer de Janelle en todo el mundo! Me gusta Chipotle también. Después de que nosotros comimos, fuimos a explorar la ciudad de Chicago.

     En todos las ciudades que he vistitado, yo tomé fotos de hombres con barbas por el serie de “Men With Beards” en Instagram. En Chicago, yo tomé fotos de doce hombres con barbas. El momento mas divertido en el día fue cuando yo perseguí dos hombres en la calle para poder tomar fotos de ellos y sus barbas.

     Al final del día nosotros fuimos al zoológico en el parque de Lincoln. Pero los animales me pusieron triste. Al final del dia todo fue muy magnífico!

Life Is Busy

I thought my schedule was going to be really open since I'm only taking 6 credits. However, it has been anything but open and it's only about to get a whole lot more hectic!

There's school (part-time—but 3 of those hours are Spanish to it's like 6 credits in itself . . . to me at least!)

Work (on campus and freelance projects—including being a photographer)

Society of Adventist Communicators Conference coming up in October

Volunteer work with the NAD Youth Ministries Department (this has me traveling quite a bit doing promo work on the weekend and this is about to speed up as we near the Just Claim It prayer conference in Miami in February)

I'm also starting up my MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) training again

And having a minor surgery on Thursday morning to remove a growth on my gum (this will help my braces come off sooner than never . . . haha)

I think that's about it for now . . . I'm sure there might be something I'm forgetting . . . like personal projects . . . but oh well . . . this is my busy life. But I wouldn't have it any other way . . . I love it—even Spanish! jaja

Musings in Typography y Español

I've been trying my hand at some handwritten typography. I like it a lot but definitely need more practice! 

Yo necesito más práctica! 

P.S. I'm taking Spanish and need practice in that, too! So if I start posting in Spanish, you know why! Haha...I mean jaja (how you laugh in Spanish! ;)

P.S.S. These were inspired by: http://www.gearaffiti.com/2012/design/hand-drawn-typography/
AND: well . . . I'm still looking for that reference link . . . will add when I find it.

Learning About Violence Against Women

For the past two weeks a large portion of my schedule has been consumed with learning and recording facts and statistics on violence against women. 

It’s a freelance job I picked up this summer for an organization in Maryland. Currently I’m researching human trafficking and it’s effect on women as well as domestic violence against women, rape, and sexual abuse of women.

These topics and how they effect women have always been something I wanted to learn more about especially since I am a women—it’s always good to know what kind of odds and statistics are stacked against you . . . but only so you can crush them while rising above!

To be honest, I read a lot of it through the mindset that these are nothing but facts on a piece of paper, otherwise, some of these stats will really mess with a person.

Like this one that got the better of me and I posted it on Facebook earlier today: “Globally, as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.”[1] Makes me think twice about getting married one day. Forget growing old with a person . . . I’d like to just grow old period!

In one of the studies talking about female genital mutilation (FGM), it said that the more educated a women is the less likely she will be to experience FGM. It's also true that the more educated a girl's mother is the less likely the child will be to experience FGM. I’ve also heard that the more educated a women is the less likely she is to get married. Coincidence?! Alright, well that settles it for me . . . I’ve now decided to pursue a PhD! Maybe even a postdoc! 

But in all seriousness, the stats for all these topics are real and probably under the actual occurrence rate for many of these atrocities simply because these kinds of crimes are not always reported. And because of this, they deserve a second glance. One that once you’ve allowed yourself the numbness to read them, you allow yourself the heart to feel them—for the sake of the women who weren’t allowed the comfort of learning these truths first through ink on blended tree pulp. And once you have felt them, allow yourself to act—to do something so that one less woman out there well have to feel the internal physical and psychological pain these statistics represent.

If you'd like to know more about what you can do tangibly or to make a donation to an organization working to end these crimes, the Polaris Project is a great place to start. The Polaris Project deals specifically with human trafficking, also known as modern day slavery.

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[1] Global and regional estimates of violence against women: prevalence and health effects of intimate partner violence and non-partner sexual violence (World Health Organization 2013)

When I grow up I want to be . . .

I think I’ve finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. This is a good thing seeing that being “grown up” or at least having to pay for myself is coming up in about 4 months when I (Lord willing) graduate from college.

Last semester in my drawing II class the professor told us that to be an expert at anything, one must invest 10,000 hours into doing that thing. I figured that whatever it is that I eventually decide to be I should choose to become and expert at that so I can be one of the best. Over the summer I did a lot of graphic design work at my internship and loved every minute of it. I’ve loved designing things since I was a kid playing on my first computer in PrintMaster. I’d spend hours on the program designing cards for friends and posters for my room.

Graduating with my Associate's degree in Graphic
Design from Southern Adventist University
on May 6, 2012.
Copyright: GradImages

And despite doing graphic design in college, I was never settled on what I would finally seek a career in once I graduated. It came to the point where I was actually looking into physical therapy schools in Israel (yes, you read correctly—Israel!) over the summer.

It’s been no secret to anyone that I’ve had trouble deciding on a major and a career. I went from fashion design to theology (not even kidding!) to toying with history then settling in with journalism only to forgo that for an AS in graphic design before returning only to drop journalism to try religious studies and finally realize that I better graduate and a degree in art was the fastest way down the first major aisle—the graduation aisle!

One of my bosses at my internship would ask me periodically if I’d decided what I wanted to be yet. I’d try to come up with something but I was really not sure. My default answer was always something where I can do both design and writing.

Well, I finally decided. It’s graphic design. I want to be the best graphic designer that I can be. And that means investing into achieving 10,000 practice hours in that field. So far, counting my past work and studies in graphic design, I’ve already logged approximately 2,600 hours. That’s the equivalent of working ‘round the clock for 16 weeks straight! I’m looking forward to seeing how my skills improve over the next 7,400 hours! 

On Being Quiet

I like working in solitude. It wasn’t until I read the book Quite by Susan Cain that I have began to really understand myself. At school I’m always searching for a nook or cranny where I can spread out my papers and books away from other people and just be left alone. It’s the introvert in me—it’s me. And I’m okay with that. I don’t get a lot of work done where there are lots of people. I had my worst year academically when I lived with four other girls in an apartment on campus—NEVER AGAIN! I told my mom this summer that I can’t live with people anymore unless they are my parents (because they respect my need for space and quite) and, I suppose, my future husband—who ever the poor soul will be (whoever he is he better be okay with space and quiet, too! haha).

Perhaps this is just a phase, but I really don’t think so. I was like this as a child, also. I just didn’t notice it as much because I wasn’t around a lot of people (I was homeschooled) to see the contrast.

When I came to college I knew nothing of who I really was. It truly has been in college that I grew up.

I couldn't find a photo from my first year
at Southern; this was taken my second year.
But only a few months after my story
took place. I was 18 here and on a class trip
to New England—hence the reason I'm
posing by a map of Vermont . . . haha.

When I arrived at Southern I was an awkward 17-year-old with buckteeth, glasses, long hair, and a wardrobe full of skirts and collared shirts (the dress code of my summer job). I felt weird and probably looked weird as well. My goal was to appear cool and I thought I needed to be more outgoing to get there. I can still remember what is probably the single most defining moment that kicked-off my forced conversion to extrovert-ism. It was a bright July morning in 2008. I stood on the porch of Miller Hall, the language building at Southern, waiting for English 101 to begin. I was either the first or second one there (nerd status—and yes I made an ‘A’ in that class) when a guy walked up. He looked interesting and I thought I should say ‘hi.’ But I didn’t. I was too shy. While I was contemplating whether I could still say ‘hi’ another girl walked up and enthusiastically greeted him. That was it. If I said ‘hi’ afterward it would look like I was copying her especially since I’d been there long before she arrived.

I felt like I’d been rude and missed a great opportunity to get to know someone else—someone who looked like an awesome person to know. They ended up sitting next to each other in class and I sat with this other guy who never acknowledged he knew me after that summer session.

A lot of time in college was spent trying to reinvent myself into that girl. Oddly enough she and I became really good friends and still are to this day. What I didn’t understand then was that she naturally was an extrovert while I was (and am) naturally an introvert. And that’s okay. I have strengths that she doesn’t have in my moments of silence just as she has the power to light up a room with her energy—honestly, I don’t want that kind of social pressure on me. The funny thing is, that guy who I wanted to say ‘hi’ to is a good friend of mine today, and he has been all through college. Not saying ‘hi’ to him on that first day of class didn’t affect anything.